The Freeny Effect

Mr. Bean Moment #1

2008-09-01T16:40:00.005-05:00

I'm not really sure where I am with this blog. I've had ideas for columns, and we see how that has gone. The School Bus Diaries were good while they lasted, but I've had so many behavior problems this year with the kids that I hardly let them talk anymore. That has hurt my source material. I thought blogging about things I love and things I hate would work. Obviously it didn't. My next idea is to write about my "Mr. Bean Moments." We'll see how that goes. If I can just discipline myself to one post a week, at least that will keep the blog alive.

You see, I have decided that I am Mr. Bean. You know, the bumbling yet adorable idiot portrayed by the great Rowan Atkinson. I constantly find myself in awkward and confusing situations that would make great episodes of his television series. The example that follows happened while Britney and I were in Scotland this summer.

It was a rainy day, and Britney and I had just hiked into town from our hotel. The hotel was, by the way, owned by Scrooge McDuck, but that's an entirely different story. As we entered the town, we decided that a cup of coffee and something to snack on would be a nice treat. After walking a bit longer, we entered a small cafe that seemed promising. It was a self-service establishment, complete with its own fancy coffee machine that typically would be found in a place like Cups. It seemed oddly out of place in this small Scottish village. As it turns out, I was the one who was out of place there. Britney filled her coffee cup with no problem whatsoever and proceeded down the line. I took a coffee cup from the counter and placed it under the machine. After pressing the appropriate button, I waited as my cup slowly filled up with hot, steaming coffee. And kept filling. And kept filling. And kept filling . . . Little did I know that I had chosen the cups for tea, a cup that is half the size of the coffee mugs! The manager saw what had happened and offered to clean up the mess. I thanked her and said that I would clean it. She also offered to allow me to fill another mug with coffee at no extra charge. I thanked her and politely refused, accepting the consequences of my idiocy. She returned to her register as I continued to fix my coffee. It was then that I saw what I thought was a steamed milk dispenser on the coffee machine. I was excited about this, as the thought of adding steamed milk to my coffee made me think of the delicious coffee from Spain, where we had been only the week before. I pressed the button, giddily anticipating the foamy, frothy milk. Except milk did not come out of the attachment. Oh, it involved steam alright, but not milk. Just steam, and lots of it! Hot, wet, steamy air loudly shot out of the attachment, much to my horror and embarrassment. And kept shooting. And kept shooting. And kept shooting . . . The manager rolled her eyes yet remained polite as she stepped over to help me once again. I apologize profusely as I explained what I was trying to do. She kindly dealt with my idiocy and explained that this was a new machine and that she did not know how to turn off the steam. In fact, she said that they needed to cover up the button, as they had never used this button before and prior to this occasion did not know its function. She suggested that I go ahead and pay for the coffee and see if the machine would stop on its own. I paid for the coffee, but the machine did not stop. I asked if I should press the button again to see if that would shut it off, and the manager replied that she did not know if that would work. I could see her grimace as I reached out to press the button anyway. Can you guess what happened next? Well, it stopped. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!

Feed Bags

2008-06-09T13:56:00.000-05:00

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

New Column

2008-05-18T10:48:00.003-05:00

I'm starting a new column for the summer. The title . . . "Things I Hate . . . Things I Love"

This is to give me a chance to rant about things that really get my goat. I threw in the love part to balance out the negative energy from the hate part.

Thing I hate #1
Calling a person only to hear an annoying song instead of the traditional ring. Now I know the rave is to create ring tones from your favorite songs. That's fine--I have a couple of my own. But when I call someone, I do not want to be subjected to a song that has to do with what a sexually frustrated young man wants to do with his ho. I mean, what is the point of this? It's not like the person whose phone has this feature can hear this song, unless said person is calling himself or herself. Do humanity a favor and leave it with the simple ring we have grown to love so much.

Thing I love #1
My wife, Britney. She is the most wonderful woman in the world, and I love her with all that I am. Thanks Britney for being the person that you are!

Flickr

2008-01-06T17:17:00.000-06:00

Well, the first post of the new year . . . or since September 2007 for that matter!

Just want to let everyone know about my flickr site -- just some photos I have been tweaking. Take a look HERE to check it out!

As easy as A+B+C=D

2007-09-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to putting together the wheelbarrow that we bought about a month ago. Now, I could have bought the model that was already put together, but I don't think it would have fit in my car, and it cost $10 extra. This particular wheel barrow came in three main pieces: the large part that contains the load, the two handles, and a box of parts.

When I opened up the box of parts this afternoon, I was dismayed to find that there were no instructions on how to put the wheelbarrow together. Britney then pointed out that the instructions were printed on side of the box, as seen here. Yes, that box in step one is the box of parts. Brilliant.

Of course! Why wasn't it obvious to me? Needless to say, we both had a laugh about the incredibly detailed instructions. Thankfully there was also a picture of the real wheelbarrow completely put together that helped me guesstimate where things were supposed to go. With Britney's help, we finally finshed the job.

I'm BAAAAAACCKKKKK!

2007-09-16T21:54:00.001-05:00

Well, it has been quite some time since I have updated this blog. Shame on me. I had all summer to write witty quips and insightful observations, but instead I chose to sleep late and play video games. Oh yeah, and there was that whole moving thing too!

As my last entry was about my reservations regarding the New York subway system, I think it only appropriate to let everyone know that Britney and I made it just fine, thanks to some expert advice from Tim Krason. By the end of our stay, we were something like experts ourselves.

To say the least, we walked a lot in New York. But that is the way I like to see a city—by walking. You really get a feel of where things are, what the people are like, and you simply get to see so much more than if you were to ride a tour bus or take a taxi. It is also great deal cheaper.

We did so much while in New York that it would take forever to talk about everything in this post. A few of the highlights were seeing Amy Poehler, Rachel Dracht, and the driver from the “Two Guys” Sonic commercials in an improv show call ASSSCATTT 3000 put on by The Upright Citizen’s Brigade. Also, we finally saw Wicked, which was incredible. For those of you who don’t know, the story of The Wizard of Oz has been following, or should I say haunting me, since I wrote my Bib and Research paper on the novel Wicked. Seeing the musical had been something Britney and I had wanted to do for about 4 years!

For pictures of the many other wonderful things we did, check out my Facebook page. I have about 8 albums full of pictures!

Oh yeah, and stay tuned for my next post---The School Bus Diaries will be back!

NYC Here We Come!

2007-06-27T13:00:00.001-05:00

On Saturday Britney and I will be traveling to NYC. That's what cool people call New York City. We are really looking forward to this trip, as Britney has never been to the Big Apple, and I have have only been there briefly on a band trip in high school.

As I said, we are both very excited about this vacation, but there is one thing that I am a bit nervous about. Having lived in London for three months, I feel that I became a pro at negotiating the Tube as I traveled to and fro within the city. The London Tube system is conveniently color coded and easy to navigate. Their indivual lines are given simple names such as Bakerloo, Central, Piccadilly, and Victoria.

The New York subway system is at first glance not nearly as simple. Instead of the 11 or 12 lines listed on the map of the London Tube system, New York lists each of its individual stations its map. Next to the stations are various numbers in letters within a circles and diamonds of a variety of colors. I can only assume that these shapes, numbers, and colors refer to the trains that run through the stations next to which they are written. My question is, how do I know which train to take once I am in the station? I know that it is probably much less complicated than it looks, and that I will probably figure it out once we have tried it out a few times, but it just seems to me that they have made things much more complicated than they need to be. My biggest fear is trying to get to our hotel from the airport, as this will be our first time to use the subway system. This would not be so bad, but we are going to have our luggage with us at the time. I know I could have come up with a more simple system. As everyone knows, if people would listen to my opinions and worldly wisdom, the world would be a much better place.

So, if we are not back by the evening of Friday, July 6, call the authorities. Britney and I will probably be huddled in the corner of some dirty subway station. I will be mumbling random numbers and letters while Britney tries to ration out our last stick of gum. Picture us there, scared to move because we are afraid of getting on the wrong train AGAIN, wondering if we will even be able to find the exit and be blessed with the rays of God's sunlight once more. If you don't call the authorities, we will be forced to beg for food from passers-by or attempt to catch the occasional subway rat for dinner. Hundreds of years from now, our bodies will be excavated from some futuristic archaeological dig, and the humans of the future will see my skeleton, subway map between my bony little fingers. Britney's skeleton will be facing the other way, somehow expressing disdain in her skeletal facial features. They will put our bones in a museum as an example of how even back then, men did not like to ask for directions.

On the other hand, I think if it comes down to eating subway rats, I will just ask for help.

Pray for us as we are on our trip next week. We truly are excited, even in spite of the subway thing. If I'm honest with myself, I have to say that I'm even excited about that adventure too.

A Wii Problem

2007-05-31T11:52:00.001-05:00

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to let go of something he really cares about. That is exactly what I have to do very soon. As usually is the case, there is no guarantee that what I am letting go will come back to me. Sure, if what I am letting go of does not come back to me, there will be a replacement, but things just won't be the same.

Now everyone, stop worrying, Britney and I are fine. She's not going anywhere. The object of my affection to which I am referring is my Nintendo Wii. It's sick, and needs medical attention in order to be healthy again. This is a new experience for me, because the Wii is the first Nintendo product that has given me any kind of trouble in my 20 year love affair with the company. Of course, there is the problem that most everyone experienced with the original NES that involves freezing up and blowing out game cartridges, but those problems only surfaced very late in the life of the system. I have only had my Wii since November of 2006.

What worries me the most is that the Nintendo repairmen/women will not be able to fix my system and will need to replace it with a new system. This may not seem like a big deal to some my readers, but the thing is, this is a LAUNCH DAY Wii. It holds a special place in my heart because it is one of the original Wiis to be produced. If it is replaced with another Wii, it will no longer be the MY Wii that I was able to get on launch day. There is a relatively small number of people who can say they have a launch day Wii. Yes, it is the sentimental nerd in me that makes this a big deal, but please try to understand. I'm not sure the NOA rep I talked to on the phone even understood my situation.

So for now, I say good by to my Wii. For the next few days, I will be Wiiless. That is ok, but let's all hope that my original Wii will return to me, better than ever. If I receive a replacement, I will have to deal with it, but I don't even want to consider that posibility right now. I have faith that my Wii will be repaired and returned soon.

Go ahead, make fun of me. Freud would say you just have Wii envy.

A Menagerie of Three

2007-05-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

As I am an English major, I tend to read symbolism into situations that normal people would see as, well, normal. I like to think that this is due to a deeper insight that we English majors have of the world. In reality, it is probably just a form of insanity.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've had encounters with an odd assortment of animals at the high school where I work. No, I'm not referring in any way to my students. While there is not anything necessarily odd about these animals, it was odd to find them when and where I did.
The first encounter was with an extremely large bullfrog that was unfortunately taking its last breaths. I came across this amphibian as I was walking to the bus for my afternoon route. It was lying in the sun, barely breathing, and somewhat squashed. It was obvious to me that there was nothing to be done for the poor animal. I continued to my bus as the frog took in what I can only assume was its last taste of air on this earth.
A couple of days later I heard some female students screaming outside as they approached the door to the school. The morning bell that signals the beginning of the school day had just rung, and hundreds of students were taking their first steps of the day into the building. The girls who were screaming notified me and a couple of other teachers that there was a large moth in the doorway. I quickly went to the door to take a look, and just as they had said, there was a beautiful moth with wingspan about the length of my hand. After returning to my room to retrieve my empty Wizard of Oz lunch box (purely a decorative item), I rushed to the door to place the moth inside of the box. Luckily, the insect had managed to avoid being trampled on by groggy teenagers as they sleepily entered the school. After taking the moth to the science teachers so that they could take a look at it, I went outside to release it. As I opened the lid of the lunch box, the moth flew out and landed on the side of the building.
The final encounter happened just last week as I arrived at the school to start my obscenely early morning route. I was walking to my bus when I saw out of the corner of my eye two geese grazing in the grass (how about that alliteration). While this may not seem odd at first, it is necessary to know that there is no lake near the school. These two geese seemed to be lost from their flock, wandering around campus, wondering where they should head next.
Now, to the symbolism. After much thought, I found the following meaning in this strange menagerie:
1. The frog represents man at the end of his life, taking is last breath.
2. The moth represents the beauty of new birth, and even of re-birth, as the moth
was saved from imminent death by trampling. The moth is man at the beginning of
life.
3. The geese represent man on his journey through life, sometimes wandering
aimlessly as he tries to find his way.

As Tim Krason just made an assignment in his blog in which he asks his readers to write a haiku, I decided to sum up this experience using this form of poetry. Here goes. . .

Old frog breathes last breath
Moth flying into new life
Lost geese wandering

Nickel Creek 3

2007-04-22T20:09:00.001-05:00

Yet another video clip from the Nickel Creek concert.

Nickel Creek pt. 2

2007-04-18T16:37:00.000-05:00

Here is another clip from the Nickel Creek concert. Enjoy!

Nickel Creek pt. 1

2007-04-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

This is one of the video clips I captured from the Nickel Creek concert at Mississippi College. More are to come!

New House

2007-04-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

Just want to let everyone know that they can check out pictures of the construction of our new house. Just go to Facebook and check out out new photo album or click on the blog entitled Freenys on the Frequented Blog section to the right.

I am hoping to post a few blogs about the whole process, starting from when we were going to buy a house.

Immigration: The Human Cost

2007-04-01T11:06:00.000-05:00

In light of Newt Gingrich's idiotic comments on bilingual education, which you can read here, I would like to post for your viewing pleasure this report from The Onion's new video news network,ONN.

Immigration: The Human Cost

Pet food Perils

2007-03-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

Seriously folks, who writes this stuff? This is an actual lead-in to a story for tonight's news about the pet food recalls.

Reporter: The only toy Coco is playing with tonight is an IV tube in her left paw.
(cut to a shot of the unfortunate kitty and its paw)

I had to laugh when I heard this. The line was said so seriously, it was almost a parody of itself! Please know I would never belittle a serious situation involving the health of our pets. This quote, however, does just that! It makes me wonder if the writer was aware of the humor of the situation when he or she wrote this line.

A Faith Question

2007-02-26T18:01:00.000-06:00

You have probably heard on the news by now that archaeologists have allegedly found the tomb and bones of Jesus. The caskets found in the tomb also reportedly include the bones of Mary Magdalene and their son, Judah.

There are claims now that this controversial find will “shake the very foundations of Christianity.” My reaction to that is why should it? Why should a find such as this chip away and even destroy a faith that has been building within me for years upon years? If someone came to me today claiming they have definitive proof that Jesus was not the Son of God and that He was never raised from the dead, I should have the faith to look that person in the eyes and say “So what!” Faith is based on believing WITHOUT empirical proof one way or the other. If someone claims they can prove Jesus was just an ordinary man, why should that change the fact that I believe He is the Messiah? If it did change my beliefs, how deeply was my faith rooted to begin with?

Having said that, the only tragedy I see in this find is the possibility that it will cause those who were already weak in their faith or not sure about Christianity to stray even further from the truth. To those individuals I offer my prayers and point out the fact that this discovery has been kept under wraps for around 27 years. Why, if it had any validity to it, has it been kept a secret for so long? How, even with the names that are claimed to be on the caskets, can it be proven that they belong to THE Jesus, THE Mary Magdalene, and THEIR alleged son Judah? I guess it all goes back to what one wants to believe, and what one wants to prove true or false.

So the question is—how deep is YOUR faith? Do you find yourself questioning your beliefs in light of this find? Questioning is ok—it can make your faith stronger. The answers to the questions are the important part.

"Child's Last Steps Captured on Video"

2007-02-20T20:27:00.000-06:00

This is from the comedic minds of The Onion. It comes from a series of photos dealing with children. The caption for this particular photo is quoted in the title of this blog entry. Hilarious!

Rockin' Robins Rock Around the Buffet

2007-02-18T21:38:00.000-06:00

They flock around the food, excitedly searching for that savory morsel. More and more of them gather to dip their beaks into an endless supply of food. Never does it cross their mind the inevitable weight they will gain from their gluttony.

No, I’m not describing the obese Mississippian as he or she lines up for the all-you-can-eat buffet. I am describing what is sure to become the new state bird. Move over mockingbird, the robin is soon to take your place! Perhaps you have noticed the over-abundance of robins that have taken their places on the ground lately. I pass by them everyday as they walk around in search for food. Over time I have noticed that many of them have gained a significant amount of weight. The other day I saw a robin so fat that it could hardly lift itself off the ground!

Wouldn’t you agree the robin would make a much more appropriate Mississippi state bird? The mockingbird can represent the rest of the nation, as we are continually the brunt of their mockery.

New Look

2007-02-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

You've probably noticed the new look of the blog. I'm trying my hand at editing the blog template, and so far it has been a welcomed learning experience. This is a work in progress, so expect more changes over the next few days, weeks, months--who knows! Let me know what you think!

And the winner is . . . Freeny!

2007-02-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

On the way to work every morning, I usually listen to Mix 98.7. On a typical morning, I'm in the car just in time to hear Movie Madness Trivia, a game in which they play a movie clip and the listener has a chance to identify the the movie. Yours truly tries on a regular basis to win the coveted prize of four movie passes to any UA theater of my choice.

A couple of days ago just happened to be my lucky day.

Ironically, the movie clip was the famous line from Dirty Harry, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" Yes, I know that one is quite easy, but I can answer with an emphatic "YES" that I did, in fact, feel lucky as I accepted my prize. Britney and I are in for some intense free movie watching. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to play the game again for the next 30 days.

White and Nerdy

2006-10-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, Weird Al is back and better than ever! And this time, he has written my theme song and sings it to the tune of "Ridin' Dirty" Enjoy!

Editorial: Sonic Experience a Let-down for the Freenys

2006-10-03T23:22:00.001-05:00

I recently had the worst Sonic experience I have ever had. This is the Sonic that I vowed my allegiance to when the new location opened across from Wal-Mart. That allegiance was never tested, as I soon found out the new location and the old one are owned by the same people. If my allegiance had been tested, however, the experience I am about to relate would have completely broken it.

My wife Britney and I pulled up to America's favorite drive-in, eager to order a much-needed supper. I pushed the button to place my order. Here is the conversation that followed, as best as I can remember. I shall call the Sonic employee Monica.

Monica: Welcome to Sonic, may I take your order?
Me: Yes, I would like a number 1 with cheese, ketchup, and mustard only with a Coke. And can I pay more to get onion rings instead of fries?
Monica: So you wanna what?
Me: Umm, a number 1 with chees, ketchup, and mustard only with a Coke. And I would like onion rings instead of fries.
(long pause)
Monica: Ok, so you wanna number 1 with cheese, ketchup and mustard and some onion rings?
Me: Well, yes, but I want the onion rings instead of fries.
(long pause)
Monica: Ok, that will be $4.89.
Me: Wait, I haven’t finished my order yet.
(long pause)
Monica: Is this on the same ticket?
Me: Yes.
Monica: Go ahead.
Me: Ok, I’d like a number 4 with only lettuce and tomato. For the drink I would like an apple juice limeade.
(long pause)
Monica: You want what now?
Me: A number 4, only lettuce and tomato, and an apple juice limeade.
Monica: A number what with what kind of limeade?
Me: Can you hear me?
Monica: (with extreme attitude) I could if you would turn your music down.
Me: (here’s the kicker) That is the music that Sonic is playing out here, not mine.
Monica: Oh . . .
Me: Well, I would like a number 4 with lettuce and tomato and an apple juice limeade.
(extremely long pause, during which Britney and I almost leave)
Monica: Ok, that will be $9.55.

The carhop delivers the food, we pay, and then we check the order. Surprisingly, the sandwiches are correct, but my fries are missing. I then have to press the button AGAIN!
Thankfully, Monica does not answer. I tell them the problem, and they quickly bring out the fries. They do this only after stating that I was not charged for fries. I was. It says so on the receipt. I will be frequenting the location across from Wal-Mart from now on.

Popeye Found Dead, Bad Spinach the Culprit

2006-09-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

The sailor-man commonly known as Popeye was found dead in his sea-side home Saturday. The only clue to his death was a half-empty bag of Spinach found close-by. The only eye-witness, Wimpy, was found near the scene, cowering in a corner of the room while eating a hamburger. Before he would answer any of the policeman’s questions, he insisted that the officer lend him a dime so that he may buy another burger. Said witness promised to pay back the dime on Thursday.

Wimpy told police that it was a typical day for Popeye. Long-time rival Brutus had once again kidnapped Olive-Oil, and the heroic sailor ran to the cupboard to retrieve a can of spinach, which is said to give Popeye super-human powers. When he found that there was no canned spinach in the house, he desperately opened a bag of fresh spinach. Wimpy stated that before Popeye could make it out of the house, the hero “began to look very ill.” Wimpy pointed out that he “offered Popeye a hamburger, at which point he [Popeye] ran to the bathroom and vomited uncontrollably.” The witness said, “I just thought he was shocked that I would offer him one of my delicious burgers!” Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Popeye returned from the bathroom. Wimpy said that “if the bloody diarrhea hadn’t set in, he might have made it.” He then added, “Something must have been wrong with that spinach. That is why I stick to ground beef! No risk of contamination with that, is there?”

Unfortunately, Olive-Oil is still missing. Police are in pursuit of the infamous Brutus, who often uses the alias Bluto, but doubt that they will be successful in apprehending him.

Funeral services for Popeye will be held on Tuesday. His epigraph, which was supposed to read “I’m strong to the fininsh, cuz I eats me spinach,” will have to be changed.

Oprah Gives Finacial Advice From High Horse

2006-07-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

Oprah Winfrey recently hosted a series of episodes entitled "America's Debt Diet," in which she doled out financial advice while sitting on an actual high horse. She was accompanied by several advisors, each one a published writer and who joined her on their own, although not quite as tall, high horses.

On the show, Winfrey spoke with several families who were heavily in debt. While atop her horse, the millionare host projected the embarassing spending habits and credit card debts of these families on television for all the world to see.

After discussing each family's spending habits and debts, Oprah offered tips on sticking to a budget and eliminating the debt.

One family in particular ate out for every meal instead of cooking at home, all the while racking up an incredible debt. Oprah graciously offered the help of her own personal chef to help the family learn how to cook economically. She then picked up a few gold nuggets and fed them to her horse.

Another family spent hundreds of dollars a month on clothes. Oprah looked down from her high horse, who like her was dressed in Gucci, to suggest that these families take a look at how much they spend on clothing. In her wisdom she suggested that these families go places such as The Salvation Army and Goodwill to find bargains. Her horse then pooped into an old Prada bag she doesn't use anymore.

Many are applauding the efforts made by Oprah to reach down from her high horse to aid the common man. When reached for comment, Jack McDebt, one of the guests on her show, had this to say: "I just thought we would go on the show and she would give us a bunch of money and a car like she does for all those people in her audience. Instead she went off and told all of our debt secrets and horrible credit scores. I'd even settle for one of those diamond encrusted shoes her horse was wearing. Now, after the show, I still have my debt, and the whole world knows about it. Thanks Oprah!"

A Blog is Born

2006-07-24T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, what does one say in a first blog? I could say something about how society has conditioned me to begin the blog with a question such as the one I just posed.

I guess I'll begin the blog by talking about why I want to start this in the first place. Throughout the day I see things and experience situations that I form an opinion about. A blog seems like an ideal place to express theses opinions. I'd also like to analyze not only the situations I encounter but also my opinions and the reasons why I have formed them.

Another reason I'd like to start this blog is to give me a place to fine tune my writing skills. I like to write, but I don't do nearly enough of it. By keeping a detailed log of my experiences and obeservations, I will be able to practice expressing myself in an intelligent, comprehensible manner.

Finally, I hope this blog will give me something to look back on in the future. I want it to serve as something of a record of a journey. I want to be able to read it years from now and see how I have become the person that I will be in the future. How have I changed? How have I stayed the same?

Ok, I know I said "Finally," so I shouldn't say anything more, but I will anyway. You may see as you read this blog that I tend to be sarcastic and somewhat satirical at times. Please realize that this is entirely on purpose.